Anivengers
by Emerald Autumn
Summary: In which the Avengers all get turned into animals, Coulson is the baby sitter, Fury hides away and Loki laughs his ass off in the background.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Avengers. I am not making money from this story or any others.**

 **Warnings: Just a hint of Steve/Tony, barely there you can easily skim over it or ignore it.**

Agent Phil Coulson of SHIELD was having a bad morning.

It started out as a normal day, the Avengers all convened at various intervals for breakfast and conversations. Then the call to assemble came and the group scrambled to get their armour and uniforms ready before heading out.

 **Flashback**

Loki had apparently decided it would be a good idea to cover the Washington Monument with bright pink slugs that burped purple sparks and left a trail of sticky green ooze everywhere they went.

"What the heck is this?" Tony asked, "Is Loki promoting garden pesticides or something? Why slugs?"

Thor sighed that exasperated but fond sound whenever his brother came up in conversation, "I know not my brother's mind anymore, but this prank seems much like the ones he played when we were younger. Perhaps this is just he having fun."

Personally, Coulson thought Thor was eternally optimistic where his brother was concerned, but not very logical.

"It doesn't matter, we need to get those things off the Washington Monument. We don't know what that slime will do and those sparks could cause a fire," Steve said, though he sounded a bit lackluster in his order. Apparently, even Captain America could get tired of a Norse God's idea of humor.

"Yeah? And how do you want us to do that, Cap?" Tony asked, hovering around the top of the monument, scanning the slugs as best he could.

Before Steve could answer, Loki appeared at the top of the statue, a few feet from Iron Man.

Tony yelped and stuttered backwards before righting himself.

"Brother, what is the meaning of this?" Thor called, knowing full well his brother could hear him.

Loki grinned at Iron Man before turning to survey the rest of the Avengers. Hawkeye had an arrow nocked and ready, aimed at Loki's head. The Black Widow looked ready to scale the monument just to throttle Loki, Bruce hung back in the background and Thor stood in a battle ready stance.

Loki's grin widened and without another word, he raised a hand where several orbs of green and blue were spinning around each other. He met Tony's eye and winked, then the orbs were released and sped in different directions.

Each one aimed at an Avenger.

Phil watched in a blunted form of shock as Iron Man dropped from the sky like a puppet with its strings cut. Before he could go further than thinking about calling in help, Tony's plummet to the hard earth far below stopped abruptly when the suit hovered horizontally about a foot above the ground. A moment later it dropped the rest of the way, landing with a metallic thud rather instead of the resounding splat he would have made had he fallen the whole way.

Phil looked to the rest of the Avengers and to his shock, saw not the Avengers he had come to know.

In the place of the world's elite super heroes…stood several confused looking animals.

Phil sighed, today was going to be one of those days.

 **End of Flashback**

Now Phil had been given the duty of taking care of the Avengers. Fury had taken one look at Earth's mightiest heroes and declared that he was busy all day; Phil would have to deal with it.

Muttering about cowardly pirates, Phil ushered his charges back to the tower where he could at least hope to contain them.

Now the real fun began.

"Hungry, Bruce?" Phil asked the scientist currently sitting by his feet. The sloth bear huffed and continued to watch as Phil prepared the myriad of insects for the insectivore's lunch.

The burrowing owl that had once been Clint Barton, swooping in and landed on Phil's shoulder, watching the insects going into a large bowl for Bruce to eat out of. Phil offered one of the grubs to Clint who took it and flew away. Bruce huffed, glaring after the bird before looking at Phil with pleading eyes.

"All right, here it is," Phil finally put the large bowl on the ground and backed away. Bruce dove in and Phil left him to it.

Natasha was in the pool; swimming laps back and forth in the fresh water Tony kept this particular pool stocked with. Steve apparently preferred a pool with natural, unclorinated water so Tony had had one built, which was a good thing now. Otters needed water to swim around in.

Natasha chattered at him and twirled in the water.

Phil decided she was fine and went to check on the others.

Steve was sniffing around the living room, behind the couches and around the entertainment centre. On the Maremma dog's back was a black-capped Capuchin monkey, clinging to the fur and perched on the giant dog's back like a jockey on a horse.

"How are you two doing?" Phil asked the pair. Steve turned at Phil's voice and wagged his tail. Tony didn't look up from where he seemed to be kneading Steve's fur with his little hands.

Phil took that as a sign that things were okay and went to do the rounds again.

Bruce had eaten his meal and was sunning by a window, sleepily watching as Phil came towards him. He didn't move when Phil looked him over and then walked away again.

A loud shrieking noise had Phil bolting back to the living room.

Tony was on the couch but still kept one hand entangled with Steve's white fur as he glared and screeched at Clint. The burrowing owl ignored Tony as he piled the pillows on the couch then used his sharp beak and claws to rip them open, burrowing into them like it was dirt.

Phil sighed. He didn't get paid enough for this.

"Clint, come on now, what are you doing?" Phil asked, trying to coax the hyperactive bird away from the ruined pillows.

Clint blinked big eyes at Phil, swiveled his head to stare at Tony who was still grumbling at him, then the little owl settled himself down in the mess of pillows and ripped fabric. Tony bared his teeth and growled. Steve whuffed and nosed the little monkey until Tony climbed onto the dog's back again. Steve trotted off, leaving the room with the small monkey glaring over his shoulder at Clint.

Clint watched them leave with big unblinking eyes but Phil thought the owl was probably cackling with glee on the inside.

"You're even more of a nuisance as a bird, you know that right?" Phil said to the burrowing owl.

Clint didn't react; instead he burrowed into the pillow mountain and closed his eyes, leaving only a small amount of his face visible as he did so.

The doctors, vets and various other medical professionals had all determined that the Avengers were more or less aware of their true natures. They weren't purely wild animals, which made Phil's job a lot easier. How would he wrangle a bear if Bruce didn't know him already? Let along a monkey, owl, otter and a huge dog?

Still, being reassured of their awareness wasn't necessarily a good thing. The animals might know they were truly human, but it didn't stop them from using their animal instincts to cause mischief.

Case in point: Clint messing with Tony's pillows that probably cost half of Clint's weekly salary.

Phil sighed again. This was going to be a long weekend.

Suddenly he stiffened. Where was Thor?

Surely the others hadn't eaten him.

Phil looked around him carefully, last he had seen the God of Thunder he had been perched on the coffee table. But a lot of the occupants in the tower were insectivores… Phil shuddered at the thought.

He climbed to his feet and made his way around the room. Hopefully the Asgardian prince had found safe haven until Loki's magic wore off in twenty-four to forty-eight hours…according to the medical professionals anyway.

"Ah, there you are," Phil murmured with relief when he found the firefly hiding beside a picture frame. The bug scuttled forward, twitched its antenna, and then retreated. "Good idea, stay away from the others."

Phil made his rounds, checking on the other Avengers then settled in to watch a movie, telling JARVIS to keep him apprised on the location and status of all the Avengers.

He fell asleep watching _Die Hard_ and woke up to something landing on his legs.

Phil grunted and frowned when he looked down and saw an owl burrowing into the blanket he couldn't remember placing on his lap. It was a good thing Phil didn't have his gun with him or he might have accidentally shot the agent-turned-owl. The bird circled several times like a cat before settling down again.

Phil gentled touched the owl's feathers and the bird preened, blinking big eyes at him as if asking for more attention.

 _"_ _The bear necessities of life will come to you…"_

Phil looked up and frowned at the movie playing on the TV screen. When did _Die Hard_ finish? And who replaced it with a cartoon bear and a boy wearing red underpants?

Tony chittered off to the side. He was still sitting on Steve, only now Steve was lying on the couch and Tony was more leaning against his belly than anything.

An otter was curled up on Phil's other side, cleaning her paws and drying her fur. That must be why there was a wet patch on Phil's thigh.

"What is this?" Phil asked conversationally, still petting Clint's feathers.

Tony held up a DVD and Phil studied the cover. _The Jungle Book_. And not the new release, the original cartoon version.

"How did you change the DVD?" Phil asked.

Tony shot him a look that said Phil was too stupid to be near him then went back to grooming Steve's belly in between glancing at the TV. Well, so long as he was occupied.

Phil sat back and watched the jungle boy find his home, animals all around him dozing. Bruce had wandered in when King Louis had mentioned bananas and lay on Phil's feet. Thor had settled in a good vantage point on the bookcase.

When the movie ended, Tony sprang up from where he had been resting against a drowsy Steve, waking everyone up with his chatter as he used his nimble little fingers to eject the disc and reach for a new one.

"What are you guys gonna watch now?" Phil asked the room in general. He hadn't meant to start up a cacophony, as everyone seemed to put in their two cents worth.

Tony waved around _The Shaggy Dog_ and _Sherlock Holmes_ , screeching. Steve barked loudly and bounded up from the couch, going to line of DVDs and nudging out _The Fantastic Four_ with his nose. Clint flew over and found _S.W.A.T_ tapping it with a staccato rhythm until Tony grumbled and took it away from the shark beak. Natasha slithered off the chair and selected _Lucy_. Phil sighed and waited for Bruce to lumber to his feet and choose something. He wasn't disappointed. Bruce, grumbling and chuffing, climbed to his feet and stalked over to the DVD cabinet and retrieve out _Now You See Me_.

"You do realise, you can watch them all," Phil all but shouted as the squabbling animals grew louder.

Silence. They all turned to him, Phil arched a brow.

Tony put down his DVDs side by side and then reached out for the other choices. He laid them all down next to each other and seemed to study them for a moment. He placed his little hand/paw down on one of them and raised his other hand. Steve barked, bobbing his head. Clint scratched at the carpet, bobbed his head three times in quick succession then flew back to Phil, as if the decision had been made.

Natasha sniffed at the DVD then turned and slunk back to her place on the couch, reclining back as if nothing bothered her. Bruce chuffed then shuffled back to re-settle against Phil's legs.

Tony squeaked, a totally adorable noise he seemed to regret the instant it happened, then hurried to place the disc into the player. JARVIS took care of the rest.

Movies could only entertain the bunch for so long however. Tony inevitably grew bored with sitting still and for the first time left Steve to scamper from the room. Steve was up quick as a flash and after the little monkey, barking as he went. Phil heard a screech then something shatter and knew Tony was going to be mad at not just Clint for wrecking his décor.

Natasha slunk back to the pool and Bruce wandered off to…well, wander around the building. He seemed to like sniffing and inspecting everything. Was that a bear thing or a Bruce thing?

Clint made himself a nest, collecting even more pillows and shredding them on the couch he seemed to have dubbed his.

Phil spent the rest of the day running between the different animals trying to keep them out of trouble.

 _Clint that's not yours!_

 _Tony, put that laser down!_

 _Bruce, you can't eat that!_

 _Steve, you can't dig through carpet!_

 _Natasha that goldfish is not for you to eat!_

The only one he didn't need to scold was Thor and that was because the little bug was hiding away, in fear of his own life.

Finally Phil was too exhausted to chase them anymore and flopped down on one of the armchairs for a break. The next thing he knew, Bruce was chuffing in his face, making plaintive noises.

"Hungry?" Phil guessed. Bruce groaned and sat back, looking as pitiful as a sloth bear can.

Phil climbed to his feet, carefully placing Clint and the blanket he was nestled in, beside Natasha. The otter blinked then shut her eyes and curled around her fellow agent.

Phil entered the kitchen and started making up some food for Bruce. The bear sat patiently on his rump, watching Phil move around.

As he worked, the others joined him. Steve walked in, yawning, Tony spread eagled on the dog's back and blinking tiredly. It had been a long day and judging by the lack of light outside, it was probably early the next morning.

Natasha slithered in at some point and perched on the bench, giving Phil a scare when he turned around and came face to muzzle with an otter cleaning her whiskers. Clint hopped in and perched on the fridge, head swiveling madly as he watched Phil go back and forth as he made food for them all.

"Okay, now I just have to figure out what to feed a firefly," Phil mumbled as he gave the rest of the Avengers their meal.

A sudden loud crash and a shout had them all freezing and looking towards the living room.

"It would appear that Mr Odinson has returned to human form," JARVIS's cool voice informed them.

Phil sighed when Thor stumbled in, still wearing the armor he had been adorned with when he was transformed. He could only imagine the state of Tony's bookcase or whatever it was Thor had been hiding on when he turned back into a rather large human.

"Friends!" he boomed, throwing his arms up in the air and brandishing his hammer, "No longer am I a small lightning bug!"

"Congratulations Thor," Phil mumbled while the animals all made noises of excitement. Tony clambered from Steve's back and climbed Thor's body using the red cape. Steve growled as he watched Tony play with Thor's long hair. Thor grinned and allowed it, even seeming to like it.

"You're just in time for dinner," Phil said, finally on more familiar ground talking to a person who could respond in kind. "Call the Chinese place with a large order while I feed the rest of these guys."

Tony pouted at being taken off Thor's shoulder but soon found himself grooming Steve again, much to the dog's delight.

After the animals were fed, Phil put in another DVD then moved to the kitchen with Thor so they could eat without animal eyes pleading for treats.

"Why would your brother do this?" Phil asked after savoring several bites of his favorite dish.

Thor swallowed his mouthful of pork and noodles before answering, "Loki is a trickster. He often enjoyed turning people into animals and then being the only one who knew who they truly were. He usually only did so to those who annoyed him, as a sort of revenge."

Phil nodded, not really understanding. But then, he thought he never really would understand the strange alien.

"It will wear off soon and everything will get back to normal." Thor assured him, taking another large mouthful of food.

A yelp sounded from the living room and Phil hurried to see who had thrown what at whom.

A very human Clint lay entangled in his nest, trying to free himself from the debris he had covered himself with.

"A little help sir?" Clint pleaded.

Phil arched a brow, "You got yourself into that mess, you can get yourself out." Without feeling a bit of guilt he strode away back to his meal.

Clint cursed behind him and when Phil heard the thud of Clint falling to the floor along with a groan of annoyance, he might have even smiled a little.

By the time the sun had risen over the city, Natasha had shifted – a lot more elegantly that Clint or Thor – and strode off to her room. Bruce had shifted next, and mumbled about seeing to his experiments.

Now all that was left was the monkey and the dog still nestled on the couch. And of course, they had to shift back in spectacular fashion.

"Tony, get off!" came Steve's yelp as Phil was preparing lunch for them. He hurried into the room and found a human Tony sprawled atop a human Steve. Captain America unceremoniously dumped Tony on the carpet and sat up.

Tony yelped when he hit the floor and glared up at Steve before storming out of the room with a shouted, "I liked you better when you were fluffy!"

It didn't escape Phil's attention that the pair was blushing when they separated.

"So I guess we don't need this anymore," Phil said, holding out the bowl of kibble. Steve turned green and fled the room.

Phil smirked and dumped the kibble in the bin. He wondered if Steve remembered he had been fed nothing but the finest meat cuts during the whole experience. The kibble was Clint's idea of a joke; even now Phil thought he heard a faint cackle coming from the air vents.

Well, after an interesting weekend, the Avengers were back to normal, or as normal as they could ever be. Basically they weren't animals anymore, nothing else changed.

Thor tracked down Loki and found the green-eyed God watching a clip of the Avengers as animals, running around the tower. Apparently he had snuck in a few camera bots. He wasn't sharing the particulars on how he had done that, but when Thor returned he was blushing and said Loki had hugely enjoyed watching their animal antics.

Something about rolling around on the floor crying with laughter so hard that Thor didn't have the heart to actually threaten him. The Asgardian did bring back the tapes though, which Tony quickly destroyed.

"Can't have any more stuff for the media to mock me about," Tony snarked as he disintegrated the footage and then went after the camera bots. Tony was pretty upset that JARVIS hadn't detected the cameras and was looking into how Loki had gotten past the AI's security. Personally, Phil was sure that JARVIS was in on the whole thing somehow.

Phil returned to being the handler rather than the caretaker of the Avengers and got Fury back with some little karmic justice. He dressed a kitten up in one of his ties and left it in his chair when he knew Fury was on the way.

The look on Nick Fury's face when he saw the little white kitten sitting calmly in Phil's chair was something Phil gladly shared in the form of a DVD with the Avengers the next time he saw them. Along with the story of how The Spy had hotfooted it out of the office quick as a snake when the kitten meowed and started moving towards him.

Somehow that information had even made the rounds amongst the junior agents and for weeks, Fury had to put up with hearing kitten noises around corners and finding cat hair on his clothes.

Suffice it to say, no one brought up kittens ever again. Or the weekend the Avengers spent as animals. But unbeknownst to most, both Phil and Loki each brought out certain recordings on special occasions, and their laughter could be heard from far away as they remembered the Anivengers and the spy who was scared of cats.


End file.
